6AM

6am. It is the time that Vince usually is waking up and I am crawling out of bed. That morning it was a doorbell that woke us. I remember thinking, "Who in the world could be at our door at 6am?!" I layed there and thought for a minute then heard the doorbell again. I scrambled to get proper clothes on and had Divit (my dog) with me just in case...Then I went to the door. I remember looking through the window and seeing it was Navy guys so I thought, it is safe. I open the door and there stood three men in dress blues and they asked, "Are you Marissa Crow, Jeremy Crow's ex-wife?" I said, "Yes, is He OK?" as I thought maybe he is hurt or something and they are letting us know. At 6am one can not think too clearly. Then they asked if they could come in and that they needed to see his children with me. I let them in and then turned to go wake the boys, it was then that it hit me.
I knew what they were here to tell me.
My heart sank. I turned and said could I please let Gage know on our own, he is too young and they insisted that we all be together.
So I went to the boys room to wake them and they were confused and kept asking "What's wrong mom? what's wrong?" All I could say to them was just get up , its about your dad.
As we sat across from those three men and heard the words, "We are here to inform you that your dad and ex-husband was found in his home last night at 11:30pm, dead." I just felt my heart sink further. I held my sons and tried to comfort them. It was not until later that I realized that Gage did not understand what they were telling us.
After the initial shock I guess it is instinct to ask the question, "What happened?" All they could tell me is that it was a gun shot and he was alone in his home.
I can not express what that day even felt like. When they say that it does not seem real, that is an accurate description. All I could think is that I have to tell our family.
As we sat there, I noticed the pain on one of the three men's face. It was a friend of Jeremy's.(I didn't recognize him at first) It broke my heart to see him there doing a job that was so hard, I just wanted to help him....but of course my job was to be there for my two boys. The Chaplin(that was one of the three) asked if there was anyone to call, they did not want to leave us alone. The Holy Spirit must have been taking charge because all I could think to say was, "The Lord is with us where ever we are sir, we are never alone."
They did feel comfortable enough to finally leave us after I asked several questions about his wife and family to be sure if they knew or how to handle that, if they needed anything. I knew that would be so painful for them all to hear.

Then began the multiple questions and phone calls that had to be made.
I was only able to make it through about 3 calls....praise God for a wonderful church family and my family who took charge to do everything else.

The rest of that day is mostly a blur, at least at the moment. This was just one day after my last entry. Feb 17, 2010, just 3 days before our son's 10th birthday. A day I will never forget.

It has taken me until now to be able to write these words. There has been so much that has happened in the last 6weeks and as God leads, I will write to encourage any who read this.

Through all of this I am assured even more that God is who He says He is and He is holding me and my children in His hand this very moment. He will not let us go or let us down. I have so many unanswered questions, pain , confusion...BUT GOD will deliver us through this with a peace that is unexplainable. He will show the truth to all that are willing.

With all my children and I have gone through, I never thought this would be something we would see in our lifetime. There has not been a day that has gone by in the last 6weeks that I haven't cried. Rest assured though, through the tears God has been working and there is much to share.
Do not be without hope for us or anyone that is hurt by this event. God is alive and working in this. Pray for the lost, that is the passion that drives me at the moment. There is a heaven just as there is hell. There is only one way to heaven, that is through Jesus Christ our Lord, a personal relationship with Him. There are many lies that will lead to hell, please do not be fooled by them. I pray that my children and I can live a life that gives light to a lost and dying world even more so through this.

God, I thank you for all that you are. It is more than I can express in words. You have been a strength that I can not explain. All your promises are true and I praise you for them. Lord help me to praise you through all of this and more. Give my children all that they need and may they lean solely on you.
In the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Amen